Being a first time mom, I know that I have a HUGE learning curve, but I felt like I was as prepared as I was ever going to be to have a child. I read several books, I went to all the classes, I was involved a group with pregnant women, and new moms, and heard all their stories. I watched “Happiest Baby on the Block” and cleaned my house up and down three times over before Kait was born. Although I was nervous bringing Kait home from the hospital I thought that I had the knowledge to conquer her every whim and whimper. I wanted to make sure that I did everything correct from the swaddling, to the shushing, to the sleeping, to the changing, to the breast-feeding. I wanted to make sure that this child got off to the right start. I cleaned out her still attached umbilical cord so carefully and made sure that the wipes weren’t too cold so that she didn’t cry when I changed her. I thought that I knew what it took to be a great mother. But nothing slaps all of that “knowing” out of your head like a newborn screaming for you at 2am, 4am, 6am, 8am (ad nauseum). Although I thought I knew how I would handle a baby, my child still cried, my child still had sleepless nights, and most of all, and worst of all, my child ended up being formula fed. Out of all my classes, books, and support groups, the one thing that I was not going to budge on was breast-feeding my child. I even dragged my husband to breast feeding classes and made him read a couple of passages in some books to make sure that I had a strong supporter who also knew all the benefits of breast-feeding. I won’t go into the details of why I ended up giving my child formula (if you really want to know email me). But the bottom line is, that was my first failure as a mother, and will always be my first failure. It is something that I am still working through, might always be working through, but it has gotten better. And it has gotten better because I know that although I might feel like an epic failure as a mother, my child still looks for me in a room and squeals with delight when she sees me. My child still likes to cuddle with me before I put her to bed. My child looks into my eyes with such extreme love and trust that my heart feels like its about to explode in happiness. And – my child is still well fed, well nourished, and happy and healthy. She is thriving with the circumstances that she has been given, and that makes this momma extremely proud of her almost 9 month old! Every day I am becoming more comfortable in my role as a mother, and ENJOYING it more and more – what intense joy a mother has been given to watch their child grow…regardless of their failures. I am evolving into a mother, a provider, a confident that she can be proud of, that she can learn from (and yes learn from my mistakes). I am learning what GREAT JOY it is to be a mother – not just the person who gave my child birth.